Adiologue #1 | Creating for all the Wrong Reasons!
To listen to the episode, click the video below:
Hey! My name is Adi and I’m your host for ‘The Adiologue’ - a small little show about a creative guy - me - with a crazy case of burnout who’s currently rediscovering himself and just trying to make sense of the world around him. Let’s get it!
Theme Plays (00:13)
I’ve made this show for two reasons. The first is that I like pretending I’m a professional radio jockey. The second is that I’m a former music producer with a severe case of burnout, and I want to document my attempt to change my relationship with creativity. The hope with this show is to just share some thoughts on the creative process (and some other stuff as well) that, hopefully, some people somewhere might resonate with. So, whether you’re also a creative person who’s experienced burnout, or just someone who needs a quick podcast to listen to on their way to work, grab some coffee, find a nice seat (or wear your seatbelt I guess) and just relax.
Today’s topic is all about how I realised that I was doing creative things for all the wrong reasons. For as long as I can remember, I’ve been someone who’s defined himself by how well I can put my creativity to use. I’ve done and made all kinds of things - music, visual art, films, podcasts, stories, plays, you name it - but despite most of it being fun, over time, the joy of creating has gradually been overtaken by an inherent need to constantly outdo myself. Seriously, I don’t think there’s been a single project where I haven’t thought to myself “hmm, it could use a little bit more…fine tuning”, and over time, this has translated into a lot of effort spent on things most others don’t even notice.
This perfectionism - an obsession over the tiny details - has pretty much defined how and why I do art - to be the best I can be, and nothing less. Don’t get me wrong, this has absolutely had its benefits. There’s an attention to detail, for example, that l’ve cultivated that has helped me get high grades on school work and good praise on work-related projects, and even create some genuinely good songs. That being said, more often than not, nitpicking at my work has led to the feeling that most of what I make will never be “ready” for public consumption. And therein lies the problem - I can start things, but seldom finish them.
I have always believed that art is a medium for connection. Nothing feels better than someone telling you that what you made “was a fuckin’ banger” and that it changed their life. Nothing also beats finding people who share the same love for whatever art you make the exact same way you do. However, if you’re only making art for connection, then what happens when nobody understands your art the way you do? What if, despite outperforming yourself each time, you still feel like you’re not doing enough to impress your friends, your family, and the internet?
Without getting into too much detail, after some much needed reflection, I have realised that my making art is inextricably connected to my need for validation. What started as a fun experiment in my bedroom - creating electronic music with a computer - became something I was “known for” in my social circle, and that I was naturally good at, unlike pretty much everything else in my life. Coupled with some people-pleasing tendencies, I became motivated to dig deep into my craft to get the people whose opinions I valued more than my own - to notice me, and to think that I was worth being around. Sigh…
I kid you not, I have invested a lot of time and money into gear, software, tutorials, jam spaces, and more, all to realise that I mostly use all of it when I want validation. The reward for success is almost like that first hit of nicotine you from a cigarette after a stressful day - it sucks you in and leaves you only wanting more. And the feeling only worsens when you’re, I dunno, stuck at home because of a global pandemic, or I dunno, having a hard time maintaining friendships. So yeah, I’m left chasing highs, rather than my own passion, which, thinking about it now, makes me want to throw every piece of gear I own into the dustbin, and call it quits all together.
It’s been a while since I’ve made original music, for the sole reason that music production turned out be a very lonely creative endeavour. I’m left wondering now - if not to get people’s attention, then what reason do I have to even make art? The answer is obvious - to have fun again - but when you’ve been mostly doing something to satiate an extrinsic need, it’s a bit hard to just do things for yourself. I really don’t know what I would make if it was just “for fun”. Or at least - I don’t remember what it was like when I opened GarageBand for the first time - all those years ago - and wrote my first tune. I guess it’s just not possible to completely switch off the perfectionism, and so I’m gonna have dig into my past to rediscover that spark, or maybe just find some new source of motivation.
Let’s do this! If you’ve got ideas, I would love to know! Drop a comment with your thoughts and let’s collectively find a way to make creating things a way to beat stress rather than a source of it. Don’t forget to Like, share, subscribe, and come back because this is definitely going to be a long journey, and therefore not the last episode I’ll be doing. Now, to commemorate this show’s beginning and my newfound creative journey, here’s an excerpt of the song ‘Get Up and Fight’ by Muse that I recorded for this show, ya know, for motivation! Thanks for tuning in, see you next time:)
Cover Plays (05:42)